it's complicated.

I know, I have been emo-ing too much lately.
It's a terrible feeling.
I dont like it either, and perhaps, i need to find a way to release such negative emotions.
Crying always helps.

I've never been able to express myself properly since young.
Perhaps it was the family environment I grew up in, so i always keep things to myself.
Even till now.
Sometimes i really envy people who can really talked about everything and anything with their family.
It's not that I don't want to say it.
But most of the times when I did, the reaction wasn't what I expected.
There isn't any careful listening to what I say, so I concluded that there was no point in saying.
Everyone knows communication is important. I know it too.
But it's just too much for me to face it.
There are so many things I want to say it out.
Perhaps I was too scared of changing everything.
Perhaps I didn't have enough courage.
I don't know.
I'm lost in life. And I can't seem to find a path.
No one understands how I feel.
Perhaps they just though I'm being needy.
Probably I am, probably I just need someone that I can really depend on.
Probably I'm having too much unrealistic expectations.
Probably I didnt do enough.
Probably deep down I wished I never had to grow up.

alone.

Even though I hate to be alone, there are still times where nobody else can help.
I just have to face it myself, alone.

At the end, I'm still alone.

School's starting...!

Right, school's starting but I'm not starting school!
Yup.
Bf going back to school = lesser time to spend with me =(
And then those working are busy working...
So, I need to get myself a job FAST.
Praying hard for the next interview!!!
Oh and did I mention, went for another grad photoshoot after the one at UTown on my commencement day.
This time, at the BTC and botanic gardens, and it's with my stats clique =D
Had fun =)
I really love how the photos turn out so pretty =)
Just a few below...

Been too emtional these days. >.<

Optimism

This is totally what I need now.
Optimism, hope, confidence.
And maybe a little bit more luck too.

Well anyways, chancing upon the beach volleyball olympics games on one fine day which I stayed home, definitely makes me miss playing the game.
The kind of competitive feeling that it gives me, the pride that I feel when we won medals, the team spirit that we have, and that bond we shared.
It's a pity that I've lost touch with my jc team mates, not to say my secondary school ones.
Everyone else has their own lives to live, and seems like the passion for the sport did lessen.
It's been awhile (rather long) since I've been to the beach!
Maybe it'll be good to find a day and head over for some fun, and sun!

Recently, a friend shared a link "Secrets of Truly Happy People" video on facebook. Here's the link.
So out of curiosity, I opened the link and watched it.
One main point discussed was to "live in the moment".
I guess we're all too busy to pursue and being too preoccupied with what we want, that we often 'forgot' to live in the moment. Well at least for me which I find it very true.
So I try to make it a point to remind myself that, so I will be a happier person.
And then there's this part about minding your own business and just worry about your own life.
I do agree in the sense that when you start worrying and getting all concern about other's life, you'll be adding more worries to your own, and start comparing, which makes your life worse.
Yes, for now, it refers to my job search.
Perhaps after watching, you'll have some new inspiration or enlightenment on how to be more happy too.

It's late, and I should go to bed.
Goodnight!

updates..

Back here for updates!!!
11th July 2012 - Graduation Day.
Woke up early in the morning, bathe and got prepared to leave house to go university town.
Luckily my bro was free to fetch me to school because I had alot of stuff to carry to sch!
Gown + Mortar Board, heels for the ceremony in the afternoon, tripod stand, polaroid camera + 4 packets of film, and the usual bag of stuff like water bottle etc etc. Plus I was wearing formal with skirt so THANKS BRO.
So I thought I was already late because we meet 1030am at UTown, but I was the earliest (ok excluding my bf who's so nice to be the photographer for us that day)!
And I received a bouquet of sunflower from him =) so happy hehe.

So nothing to do during the wait, take pictures! =D
Then we went in to the food court because 1stly it has aircon, 2ndly I didn't have time to eat breakfast in the morning.
Then maggie came, followed by wendy and sinyi.
So ended up we started taking at around 11 plus >.<
Oh well, overall the photo taking was alright =)

SO, since started late, we ended late, and I had a quick lunch at the food court before heading to UCC to prepare for the ceremony.
First thing I reach was to go to robing room and wore my gown, and mortar board.
Then deposited my stuff at some counter with the help of bf.
And saw my family before they went in to the hall, and then for the 1st time, my sis and bro saw my bf!!!! lol. ok awkward atmosphere but nvm that.
So went into the hall, and ceremony started =)
Was rather nervous and excited, especially the moment on stage.
I just had this proud feeling, hey I've graduated.
Felt really happy.
And then after the ceremony ended, it was a round of phototaking with friends and family.
And receiving small gifts and flowers.
Thanks my dear, joseph, sinyi/wendy for the sunflowers, shihui for the cupcake and lollipop, sinyi/wendy for the small cards and owl, sis for the graduation tortoise. =D
Kind of regretted that I didnt get a chance to take a group shot with my stats clique. =(
'cus while I was with some, others were not there, and when I wasnt there (I'm the only one =( ), they took some tgt.
But since it's over so nothing I can do right!
Then it's dinner with family after everyone left.
So since FOS has this reunion thingy at LT27 there, so decided to go check it out, so I went back to Science Fac to take pictures.

 But nobody was there so I guess everything ended.
Then bro came back to fetch me and sis over to the west coast restaurant for dinner.
And dinner treat by my mum's younger brother and received a gift from them =)
So end of day!

22th July 2012 - MY Birthday =D
Went Gardens By The Bay (GBTB).

Me stupidly go wear high wedges there lol.
Made my feet so pain lah!

Anyway, meet bf at northpoint to have lunch. Ate subway. =)
Then slowly made our way over to bayfront station.
So walked abit around MBS, found their ice skating rink.

It was smaller than expected, and it's not on real ice. So it didnt looked as fun.
Then walked over to GBTB.

Nothing much special, besides looking at plants and flowers.

 Well I guess you need to pay to have a better experience there.
Plus it wasn't well maintained because at some parts, the soil was exposed, and it wasn't really very pretty.
Maybe more time is needed for the plants to be growing more naturally.
Oh and did I mention some were withering too.
Overall it was still a great walk though! =)
Tried the white rose flavoured icecream from the souvenir shop.
And tasted like bandung!!! without the pink colour because it's WHITE rose. lol.

Then headed to town for dinner @ Paradise Inn.

Food's not bad, but too expensive though.
Thanks my dear for the dinner =)))
And went home after dinner...

For the rest of the days in between, nothing much, just looking for jobs, going out randomly and yup.
That's all.
Boring life hor, I know!!!!
Anyway, last zumba class was on 14th July, and it was another perspiring session. lol.

Grad lo!

Finally officially graduated with the commencement ceremony yesterday.
It was rather exciting, chaotic, and somewhat great!
Though there are still a little 遗憾 ha.
oh wells.
Will blog again when I have all the photos =)
And now, job searching!!!!
(My mum has been telling me now graduate liao need to find job alr and no more sch for me. lol no hint of the 'slowly find job' advise hahaha.)

有的没的

Been buying random stuff when I go out recently.
Seriously. LOL.
Got some origami papers with strips/polka dots from Daiso 2 days ago.
Was walking around and because they were too atractive, and I thought it would be great for using it to decorate cards, I bought them.
After paying, I was like, "great, why did I buy this for?"
OH WELLS.
Today, was also walking around, so headed to popular and guess what I bought?
Card holder!
It's not to hold name cards though, it's for polariods. hehe.
Well, it's hard to find a polaroid album outside, and I don't really shop online.
So the next best choice is to buy a card holder album, since the size fits perfectly.
Spent quite a bit of time there choosing the design.
Shall take loads and lots of polariods during commencement day.

Oh commencement.
Mixed feelings I would say.
Happy that I'm indeed officially graduating.
The day where I wear the academic gown and the mortar board.
Signifies the long education path (15 years!!!) I took and completed it.
On the contrary, the fact that I'm entering into the reality freaks me out quite a little.
Perhaps I would say I'm pretty lucky that my education years are smooth sailing - - no bullies encountered, no severe punishments, no major setbacks.
And now I've ended my education (well not including the possibility of upgrading myself along the way), it seems like I'll be entering the more cruel side of life.
Been hearing the 'adults' saying the bad side of working life.
The kinds of weird people you'll meet, the harder to get true friendships, the dog-eat-dog environment.
YES the kind of UNCERTAINTY again.
I know, it's this kind of uncertainess that's making everything so exciting.
But I just can't help getting irritated, fustrated and annoyed by the fact that I don't see my future anywhere.
Things I like to do can't bring me the income that I want.
Doing handicrafts, sports, sing, bake etc .
Perhaps not now. I need a stable decent job.
Maybe deep down, I want to be a housewife like my mum, staying at home, taking care of kids and cooking for my husband. LOL.
Somehow, this seems to be a lazy way out.
Then again if I want to be a housewife, I wouldn't study so much in the first place, and seeing how kids can be annoying with their loud (YES LOUD) voice, it's scaring me off to find a job outside.
AH contradicting!!!

well, it's time for bed.
goodnights! <3