normal school weeks coming...

my eyes are just half closed...

normal lessons starting tml, since block test is over.
yup yup. more lectures and tutorials.
plus plus, A Div competition coming in about 2 weeks time.
damn nervous can. i really want to play well. i swear.
i'm actually suppose to be reading notes or what, but i need to print all those essential stuff for lessons next week.
so here i am, while waiting for those documents to be printed.

yesterday, we had sports carnival @ CCAB.
i cant say it's very fun ba, but i guess people did enjoy themselves...
we had to be earlier than others, since we're appointed officials.
i woke up @ 5am in the morning k!!
but i think we reach too early. ha. me, mel n YL reached @ 6:35am, when we're only needed @ 7:00am.
and it's so great of our teacher (Mr Loo) to buy breakfast for all of us!
and also drinks! everyone was so glad to see those freezing drinks, as it's a bright sunny day!
my role for that day was basically to be the runner.
yup, to send the scores to the main recorder there lor.
other than that i'm just slacking around, doing nothing.
after that, cab-ed back to sch, cause we had training, @ 3pm.
definitely, we're super early.
guess what we did?
haha, everyone drop motionless on the stage, of course with the curtains drawn.
slept for awhile, cause those duman & yishuntown guys training were damn noisy.
then, went to the gym, started training, yup, as usual.
sort of 'sprained' my ankle, but it's just an old injury.
nevertheless, it's still painful ok! even now, if i press the correct point.
after training, stayed back to watch our boys friendly match with SP.
*applause* they're great! seriously. won all 5 matches, if i remembered correctly.
i think one of the guy from SP looks good. well, just my personal opinion. =)
right, and that's the day.

today, didnt do much.
woke up around 10 plus, eat breakfast then read newspapers and slack abit.
realised it's already 1 plus.
decided to tidy up my study table (cause it's really messy).
took me some time though, and ate lunch at around 3 plus.
read a story book which is long overdue that i haven return (opps...hehe..)
and then it's dinner time.
so today i'm practically slacking ba, can say so.

it's getting abit bored isnt it? well that's life of a jc student. ha! cant expect much?
i'm wondering if i should buy contact lens anot leh... should i?

214 days to A levels.

slacking slacking slacking...

i've had merely a few hours of sleep last night, surprising since block test is OVER!
why? cause i had to 're-do' the chem paper... i think u guys can guess the reason ba?
sort of expected it...
anyway, reached sch @ 10am today to hand in the chem that i've managed to finish after burning midnight oil (because when i know about it i had to go for training le, and training ended later than usual.)
yup yup, and had a short consultation with my chem teacher.
plus plus, saw my phy and maths teachers, so we sort of know how our results are.
it's pretty bad for us i think...
well well, i'm just gonna stop thinking...

yesterday, cca teacher-in-charge talked to me...
been thinking about what he said...
today, my chem teacher (also my ct) also talked to us...
been thinking again...
opps.. i'm like contradicting myself...

actually i've been wanting to go out, maybe somewhere i can shout... somewhere i can scream...
haha. i think it seems to work... haha.
and thanks to everyone who've encouraged me...
i'll try and try and try to stay more postive...
and i realised i got mood swings damn easily this year...
i dunno if it's possible...
but i hope someone could pass me a laughing virus or what... =)

i just wanna SCREAM OUT LOUD!!!

everything just sucks...

pardon me for all the vulgarities that i'm gonna type. i just need a place to rant.

i really dunno what's wrong with me.
seriously i dont.
just went to check my chem mcq block test. guess what, i'm one of the lowest in class.
great. so i've no hope in passing my chem now. paper 2 would be worse. trust me.

and i dunno what i should do.
i'm lost, lost alone.
no light to guide me, no path for me to take.
everything jus seem so...

damn angry can!
no one bothered to tell me that none of them is gg for the frisbee thingy.
and i rushed down after my dental, thinking that most of them would go.
f***
i reached and saw only the j1s.
just feel like scolding and scolding and scolding them.
and to make matter worse, i knew about it only last min. and thinking that everyone would at least attend.
i really dunno what i should do.
i really dunno what i've done was right or wrong.
i'm just like a headless horse, walking without any directions.

and today's dental, yup i was early.
waited full 45minutes.
and all those metal thingy inside my mouth which is stuck to my tooth is making me painful.
had the urge of crying again, just now, on my way home after the frisbee thingy.
really damn angry with them la.
please, let the competitions pass quickly.
what should i do?

oh please, stop playing tricks on me. i'm really very tired.

climbing out...

thanks girls.. for all ur encouragements.
i know i shouldnt be feeling this way.
i'm just so sorry that i cant control myself. well enough.
i'm gonna try to stay as positive as i can.

just read my econs teacher's email, here's a quote:
In this competitive world, there are winners and losers. But who wins or who loses are judged very harshly by the qualifications, the accreditions you have achieved. But in the REAL world, the REAL winners are those who actually believe in themselves and never give up. Cos even if the world sweeps against them, they can still stand firm and say 'I will fight on'.

maybe i should believe in what she had believed in. but i need time.
because everyone of us had grown up with the mindset that winner rules. isnt tt so?

well well. now i'm left with only one phy paper one. which is tml!
yup, and we're like trying to decide where to go after the paper.
seriously speaking, i think i kinda regret coming to a jc.
okok. i know it's too late to regret now, especially when A levels are just a few months away...
just forget what i say.
perseverance + determination + luck + time is what i need.

dont ever let yourself have regrets, never.

damn sad.

sort of brokedown today. couldnt control my tears.
we had a 'meeting' today before training. and i cried.
perhaps i'm too stressed up.
i've been trying to play well.
i've been asking why am i playing so badly.
i've been trying to stop myself from de-proving.
yet, nothing seemed to go my way.
S***s!

they say there's no such things say substitutes.
i dont believe.
come on. this is Singapore. Winner rules.
i'm not actually sad about not being able to play, well maybe part of the reason i confess.
but i'm much more disappointed with myself for not playing well.
who doesnt want to be the champion, who doesnt want to win?
tell me who?

well, on a lighter note, yesterday went 'guang ming shan' bai bai.
Qing Ming Jie.
after that went amk to shop.
1st stop was amk NTUC. mum and aunts looking at electric appliances.
the funny thing was they saw this mini 8" fan that they liked and actually wanted to buy.
we thot the price is $19.90, which is quite reasonable.
but when that cashier scan the barcode and said that it cost $42.00, they were damn shocked.
finally, we went back to see the price tag again and found that we've made a mistake.
in the end, only bought panties. lol.
den, mum and 'ah kim' had to go home.
so i went with my xiao yi, go walk walk around amk.
saw this pair of shoe that i liked. but didnt buy. cause i bu hao yi si ask xiao yi buy.
den we went to the newly renovated hawker centre to eat.
with our full stomach, went to 'this fashion' to look around.
my xiao yi bought 2 jackets. quite nice. =)
and she bought a shirt dress and a sort of shirt la for me.
THANKS XIAO YI! haha. (though she wont read this. haha)
anyway, went straight home after that. and my legs ache like hell.

shall stop here le...


Life is slowly revealing its cruelties, its evilness.

drained...

great! i'm left with paper one only!
next week. tues and thurs. chem and phy.
now i just hope i can pass my block test.
been sleeping early and waking up early these few exams days.
sleeping at around 11 plus 12, and waking at 4am just to finish my last min revision.
my dark eye ring is getting darker and darker. (imagine a panda walking around! JK LA!)

i realise tt youngsters really know how to enjoy man! ok tt's random i know.
it seems that everyone is like enjoying life la.
but i'm (plus the jc students) are mugging like hell. haha.
ok i admit. maybe not hell la. haven go to that level yet.

anyway, after today's phy paper 2, went amk, watched movie because i'm waiting for time to pass before my training starts.
watched STEP UP 2 with the 2Cs haha.
super nice! highly recommended, esp if u LOVE dancing!
those people seems to be a different person when they're dancing.
and they can really shake. Whoooo....
lol. some funny scenes too. and 'moose' is cute, his expressions and all.
and and, the male leading actor sort of look handsome in some angles only leh. ha!
after movie, shopped at this shop that sells korean stuffs, mostly stationaries ba. all cute cute de. and it's time for me to go back sch for training.

training as usual, sort of fustrated with myself again for not playing well again.
maybe i'm exerting too much pressure on myself?
pushing myself too much? expectations too high?
but but... everyone seems to be better...
and i dun like the feeling of being left behind, of being the last.
tough competition everwhere...


Quote of the day: Life isnt finding yourself; Life is creating yourself.

damn stressed?

whoa...
today's papers (GP and Econs) was okay i guess!
damn shuang.
today's GP is the first time in my JC life that i managed to finish the whole paper in time! (but no guranteed tt i can score, haha!)
and econs was okay, yet, case study was a bit harder i guess.
tomorrow's maths! MATHS!!!!!
haven got enough practice, really.
i've cleared my H1 subjects today.
which means i'm left with 3 H2 subjects which i'm particularly weak in!
oh pls, help me through this.

it's time to bury myself in all those maths questions!

it's study time.

all grown up.

suddenly i realised that everyone had all grown up,
all grown up into thinking and mature young people.
i'm just so afraid that i'll be left behind, so scared.

i wasnt working hard enough.
i know.
i'm always sleeping, yet it doesnt help me concentrate.
it just increase the guilt in me, reminding me that i'm not working.
temptations @ home, yet i'm too lazy to go out to study.
and i realise how hard it was for my sis last year, with all the temptations that i've created.

read newspaper this morning, local universities are damn popular.
everyone is fighting for a place in local U, competition is tough.
besides results, other factors were considered.
HAving good results helps, but when everyone is becoming outstanding, many is getting DISTINCTIONS so easily...
i feel i'm so useless.
seriously, half of my confindence was gone.
because i know i'm not hardworking enough,
because i know i had to work harder than anyone else.

training this march hol was okay i guess.
played well, my teammates were happy for me.
at least that's some comfort.
i'm just worried that this would last how long.
A div competition coming, Championship was our target.

had a great econs teacher.
she's very very encouraging, always sharing her own experiences.
she always gives her best, that's what i think.
She's GREAT. really.

5 more days!!! to BLOCK TEST!

i'm seriously truely running out of time!
5 more days before block test officially starts
and i've loads to study man!
and practice la!

and i damn envious of my poly friends who're like enjoying themselves like nobody business.
they are like so SLACK!
ok, maybe tt's not true?
haha.
and i wan to watch movie leh.
ok i knoe tt's random.

well, this few days, yup, studying.
and i'm having trouble even doing some basic questions!
and i can do one question for very very long.
and and...
so many tt i'm lazy to type.

study.study.study.study.study.

next busy busy week!

i reckon next week will be a super boring week.
study.study.study.
practice.practice.practice.
training.training.training.

just 1 week left before block test.
i'm not sure if i can finish all my revision.
i'm not sure if i'll be able to do well.
but i'm definitely going to really study this week.
really.

anyway, got back my A level chinese result today!
got an A!
yeah! ha. luckily the day before we went out didnt affect my result.
if not i'll be dman guilty and sad.
but sadly i've only got a merit for my chinese oral leh.
anyway, it's over le. just gotta concentrate on my other subjects now!

oh ya. my sis got back her A lvls results too.
i think she's not too happy with her results.
but but, she's still able to go to a U.
haha.

alright. shall stop here le. =)

JIA YOU GIRL!!!!!
I NEED STRENGTH!

not another week...

yup yup, another week passed people.
right, got back my intergration and phy lecture test.
as expected, flunked them.
i need extra lessons.
i need extra help.

people, block test is in 2 weeks time!

ok. i'm now trying to finish my gp essay, which is already late!
so guilty! AH!!!!!
hope mr ng dun angry.

i flunked my physics SPA!!! DIE!
it's A lvls ok. my god!
how can i be so careless!!!!
just feel like killing myself!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

also, watched 我们的白云岗2008 yesterday.
went out for dinner b4 the performance, met ms tang!
long time nv see her le.. a year le ba...
haha, she my sec 3 & 4 bio and chem teacher.
haha. so she lived around there. haha.
and she said she's not teaching le. haha. i think my teachers all not in CCHY le.
btw, the 白云岗 storyline not bad, but too much on-ing and off-ing the lights le.
reached home @ around 1030.
bathe, ate, slept.
woke up today @ 940.
rushed out cause i got training and need to reach by 11.
but when i reach, not everyone was here. ha.

anyway on thursday, coach talked to us b4 training starts.
he said we must really go into the 'competition mood' le.
and we should train well and achieve championship this year.
that was what we wanted too.
but, when training starts, i just cant seem to play well.
i want to.
but i just dun know what happened to me.

oh and hor, wed night right, around 11 plus, opp my hse there got ppl want to commit suicide leh. actually i didnt know about it, until my bro told me.
and the poilce cars, fire engines, ambulance all there.
they even blow up the soft soft thing. haha. i dunno what it's called. here's the pic.

243 days to A levels!